So far so good!

This was the first time in many years that I couldn't finish a paper on time. I had no inspiration. I couldn't thought of anything else to say, I was blocked and shocked.
Then I had this feeling which I didn't recognize at first but some remembrances of it were still in my head. I start panicking, i was running out of time and i didn't have a clear idea of what i wanted to say. I decided to take a break, it didn't work; my head just started to spin and i felt really dizzy, I couldn't breathe.
I tried to calm down; This is going to stop soon- i affirmed to myself- you're nervous but you will be able to finish on time- But I didn't. After 2 more hours of struggling with words, phrases and ideas I decided to give up: I was going nowhere and this didn't make sense at all.
I went to bed and to sleep... and I for my surprise I actually slept quite well. No more bad dreams, no more insomnio, no more anguish.
I decided to fail.
In a sense, if we want to be strict and rigorous, i surrender: I didn't fight until the end, even more i didn't accomplish what i was supposed to do in time and i knew the consequences for not doing it. However, I felt all the contrary. For the first time in many years I decided to loose and i felt liberated.
But, in all honesty, I cried for an hour before going to bed. Failure have never tasted nice or has been easy to handle. It strocked me for how many years I haven't felt this emotion... Years!! I was overwhelmed because I had failed on purpose!! Actually, I boicoted myself, again and again, until it was impossible to scape destiny.
I don't regret it.
There are sometimes when we do what we have to do even though this means doing the opposite of what reason indicates.
This was my time.
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Now I will have to start again. I think that from a different perspective, I will achieve different results. I just needed some distance from my writing and from myself, my ordinary self.
Cheers mate!!